Oh how I wish I were referring to library books!
My EDD (estimated due date) with Hinjee Spinjee (as Thor so fondly calls her) was Monday June 9th. I was almost certain she was going to come early. Sparkle my first was 9 days late, but since she was my first child I pretty much expected she would arrive late. With Thor, I woke up on the morning of July 19th, his EDD, and started having contractions about 4 minutes apart. I conveniently had an appointment that day with the midwives and upon examination I was found to be dilated to a 6 and 90% effaced. I checked into the hospital just after 11 am and when fully dilated pushed for 10 minutes (an excruciating 10 minutes mind you) and he was born at 1:13 pm, no epidural. It was the most amazing delivery! So I figured the next one would have to be at least that quick and easy, if not more so. So I had it all planned out in my head. She would come either on her due date or a few days before and it would be a breeze. The day before her due date I was having contractions and everything seemed like it was going according to plan. Now here I sit, four days after her well thought out and planned arrival date, feeling depressed, worried, and wondering what is wrong with me that I can't deliver this baby on time!
I know these feelings are completely irrational, but I have them and right now it is hard coping with my emotions. Reading this I feel kind of silly writing about such a trivial thing. Especially when I know there are so many who have it much worse than I. I should feel nothing but gratitude for my healthy pregnancy and baby soon to be arriving. I worry though. She was in a posterior position at my last appointment which means she's head down but facing the wrong direction, which complicates matters and can make for a longer pregnancy, and a longer and more difficult labor and delivery. I have been trying different yoga positions to encourage her to switch to a anterior position, but I can't tell if it's working and now it seems like she is transverse. I get so frustrated not knowing what is happening in there. I just feel large, miserable, tired and powerless to do anything about this situation.
I am moody and impatient with Sparkle and Thor, who seem to be extra cranky and demanding. I feel like such a mean mom sometimes. NO we are NOT going to continuously snack all day, YES you do have to get dressed, and NO staying at home by your two-year-old self is not an option so you can either walk to the car or I WILL carry you kicking and screaming as the case may be. My flower beds and yard are getting overgrown with weeds, there is so much to do but I don't feel like doing any of it. I feel like I am on the verge of a major meltdown! Yet at the same time I feel guilty for feeling this way when I have so much to be grateful for and I realize how small my problems are compared with the much greater difficulties that others are facing. I think that Viktor Frankl said it best in Man's Search for Meaning when he explained
"...a man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped
into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big
the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no
matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the 'size' of human suffering is
This coming from one who had lived through all the horrors of being in concentration camps! He also comments further that " it also follows that a very trifling thing can cause the greatest of joys"
I should really read that book again. I need to remember how to find joy in the "trifling" things. Also that "Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it" What is the purpose of it (whatever you are suffering)? When you can answer that question, you can succeed in rising above it. No matter how large or miserable or tired I may feel I can still choose my own attitude and how I am going to handle it. I decide what becomes of me mentally and spiritually. How wonderful, the gift of agency!